Smoking Is Safe And Effective - And I Can Prove It!

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Welcome new subscribers! Apologies for the short post, I’ve been too busy working, I’m onto something huge, have spent the past several days burning the midnight oil to perfect everything before submitting my research to the peer reviewers. I try not to get a big head, but let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends up in the New England Journal…

Since y’all are my beloved readers, I will give you a sneak peek:

For the past four months, I have been conducting a careful experiment on hundreds of local schoolchildren. I’ve recruited over two hundred middle schoolers to smoke unfiltered Lucky Strikes and another two hundred to work through a pack a day of menthol Marlboros. Yes, of course there is a placebo group, I’m not some kind of amateur: two hundred more children received a daily allotment of chocolate cigarettes.

Well, the preliminary results are in, and they are shocking. Not one single child randomized to either of the cigarette smoking groups – not a one! – developed any malignant pulmonary lesions. In layman’s terms, this means that nobody got lung cancer! In fact, the smoking children got in much better health, with significantly improved BMIs, while the ones given chocolate cigarettes got chubby (statistically significant inability to fit into their britches, p value < 0.05).

I know, I know, you’ve probably been brainwashed by years of misinformation – to say nothing of disinformation – claiming that smoking causes cancer. So was I. Yet who are we to argue with science?

Now, some of you might object that perhaps a four month time frame is not long enough to develop a deadly condition like lung cancer. Yet I chose my four month study time frame as a conservative measure. I figure, if the medical establishment approves Lexapro in second graders after a 2 month study, and claims hormonal contraception is safe after a 3 month study, well, 4 months is gilding the lily. What can I say, I just wanted to cover all my bases.

Like I said, just a quick note to share the important research with my subscribers going into the weekend; I might be too busy with national TV interviews to post much here when news of the study hits the journals later this year. I of course am not qualified to give stock market advice, but y’all are smart enough to put two and two together, and given my safety data, can FDA approval for kindergarten-themed Lil’ Luckies be far behind?  

Apologies for the silliness; I hope you have a wonderful weekend - and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!