Walk and Chew Gum at the Same Time? That's a Disease!

Or: The Mass Drugging of America's Children

Dear reader, do you ever listen to podcasts or audiobooks, or even some old-fashioned talk radio? I know I do. Next time you’re listening to your favorite host or author, take a moment to note what you’re doing as you listen. I’ll go first. A non-exhaustive list of what I find myself doing while enjoying quality audio content:

-          Making breakfast for the kids

-          Eating lunch

-          Folding laundry

-          Jogging. Can’t go for a run without headphones!

-          Playing fetch with the dog

-          Driving a 4,000 pound machine 75 miles an hour down the highway

When I step out of the car, or get home from a run, or chomp on a sandwich, do I remember what I just listened to? Of course I do. Because, quite evidently, people can occasionally move their limbs and yet still retain knowledge. This is not just my wild speculation – there are billions of dollars in the audiobook, podcast, and talk radio industries attesting to the fact that people can listen attentively while performing other tasks. How many people do you think are out there who are only capable of listening to Joe Rogan’s latest interview if they are sitting perfectly still, hands folded in their laps, eyes unblinkingly staring at Rogan’s mouth? There may be such people, but there can’t be many of them.

If you’re a homeschooler, or just enjoy reading a good book aloud to the family, you know that some of your kids may like to color, or cartwheel, or knit, while listening to Tolkien, and that in no way detracts from their interest in and enjoyment of The Battle of Helm’s Deep.

 Why state the obvious? Well, I recently spoke to a parent whose bright child keeps getting in trouble at school for fidgeting. When the mom reads to the child at home, she lets the child move around and play, and the child loves storytime and interacts deeply and imaginatively with the characters and plots. At school, however, the teacher insists on total stillness. The mom tried to compromise and sent the child to school with some type of fidget spinner contraption, so the child’s hands could be occupied while sitting quietly, but the teacher took the object away because it was ‘against the rules’ to have anything during circle time. It’s criss cross apple sauce, hands in your lap, mouth shut, or else. This is a class of 6 year olds, by the way.

I see this again and again. Inevitably, it ends with the teacher telling the parent to “take the child to the pediatrician,” which is teacher-speak for “get that kid drugged, and drugged good.”

If you’re such a parent, next time the teacher complains about little Johnny moving around during lecture, a constructive way to lead the conversation may be to ask politely, “Did you listen to anything interesting on your drive to work this morning?”

In case you were wondering why you can’t throw a rock these days without hitting a kid on Adderall…