If I were a pediatrician or family doctor, I would be tempted to yell at the parents who are considering divorce. I would tell them to stop being selfish and accept the fact that they can’t walk away from their responsibilities as parents just because they “don’t love each other anymore.” Love is not something you fall in and out of. It’s not just a feeling, for God’s sake! I actually did yell at and burst out in tears and say those very words to our son when he announced that he and his wife were splitting up. Our grandkids are still paying the price for their parents’ foolishness, and we the grandparents are too, in more ways than one.
Alas, you summed it up very well with "love is not just a feeling." That's what the culture pushes us to believe with "love is love," feelings are more important than anything else, and so go for it. Responsibility is a boogeyman, but without responsibility love is just narcissism. You can't love if love is just a feeling, because it's just a butterfly that will fly away when the wind changes. The children know this and feel it - if you don't love daddy anymore, then one day you can also stop loving me.
My spouse has never “recovered” from his parent’s divorce right before 9th grade —and he’s 62. He freely gives away copies of the evidenced-based book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, to anyone who will read it.
Yes! In 1998 my son's 2nd grade teacher called me and said that my son has ADHD and should be on Ritalin. When I asked if she was a doctor, she replied that she had written a paper on it in graduate school. Can you imagine?! At the end of the year I removed him from the school. I later found out that she had called the parents of just about every boy in the class with the same recommendation. Absolute evil!
Y E S. A relative's toddler was in our care while her mom tried to get her life back on track after ending an abusive relationship, moving several times, etc, etc. She enrolled her in all day kindergarten at the earliest opportunity (2 weeks after she turned 5), and the child was diagnosed and on meds in less than 2 MONTHS. We never saw any behavioral issues whatsoever at our house. I'm a mother of 8, so I've seen a lot!
YES!!! Thank you for writing about this topic. Getting ADHD and the drugging of little boys fully immersed into our society was, imo, the lead-in to Big Trans. Both need to be rooted out.
Crazy but anecdotally true. The very few kids I remember 50 yrs ago taking the "new" calming medications had mommies on Valium, liberated from the stress of dealing with conflict.
Where is/was the BALANCE touted and promised in modern work+life/relationships?
The family is the Marxist target, Government is driving the school bus, and the sinister backroom profiteers are setting the agenda.
Poor, poor teachers having to parent.
Poor, poor parents having teach.
Rich Big Pharma is calling the plays and "Coaches" & "Cheerleaders" are getting $omething for enabling and encouraging this madness.
Thank you for the continued advocacy of our children.
What a great article! When my parents divorced in 1971, I was just starting 6th grade and I was the only child of divorce in my elementary school. By the time I got to 9th grade, I had 1 friend with an intact family, the rest of us were fatherless teenagers. That legacy followed me and my siblings for the rest of our lives - which included both of my younger brothers being on Ritalin and both with a lifetime of substance abuse. I wish all parents considering divorce could read this. Thanks for taking the time to write this Adrian.
It was a small parochial school - if something ever prompted us to move, I wasn't interested in teaching in the public sector and I needed more on my resume to stay hirable. Something came up and I took it. Teaching is exhausting! Certain parents and administration make it unbearable.
It even affects children in intact homes. When my son was first starting school, most of his little friends' parents were divorced. When he would see my wife and I have even a mild disagreement or irritation with each other he would get very anxious and start asking if we were going to divorce. It saddened me that it was necessary to assure him that mommy and daddy have disagreement once in awhile but we still love each other and are not ever getting divorced.
Oh, that speaks to me. The more anxious of my three children used to ask "are you guys getting a divorce?" when our conversation got even a little animated. By which I mean excited, rather than angry. My hubby and I have been married over 30 years, and we even work together. We don't argue or fight, although we may express a difference of opinion.
It is amazing how sensitive to divorce the children were.
Thankfully they are now grown, and two married themselves, and remember it lightheartedly.
I've taught at University and over the years had some male students tell me they had ADHD and accommodations. I could often tell they were medicated because they seemed to have blunted affect, and little sense of humor. And I knew still others who sought the diagnosis and the meds so they could pull all-nighters and focus. What a mess.
We're becoming aware of child trafficking now, and seem to love to focus on the situation in Central America and abroad, but are we facing up to the domestic child abuse that comes along with divorce, accompanied by medicating the confused kids that are the fallout?
Thank you for your invaluable perspective, doctor! On an unrelated note, could you share your thoughts about current pediatric cancer treatment. What advice would you have for parents of a newly diagnosed child with stage 4 neuroblastoma?
Thank you for the kind comment. I’m truly sorry but I have no useful knowledge about the latest pediatric cancer treatments, I wish I could be of more help!
I understand. Given the state of American medicine, would you recommend parents consider bypassing “cut, burn, poison” altogether and go straight to avenues such as holistic medicine and/or rife machines? I have worked with children who sadly passed and this topic is of great personal interest to me. Thank you so much again for your wisdom!
I would not recommend it, but I would advise pursuing 2nd opinions and being unafraid to ask questions. Dr Prasad is an oncologist and has written about his field’s struggles a lot, for instance here:
Gabor Mate has written about the relationship between marital discord/family tension and the subsequent development of ADHD. Developmental and acute trauma is at the root of so many illnesses.
“Doctor … you mean she’s insane?” —her mother asks pleadingly of a senior physician.
Of course young woman in question is decidedly not, as the young intern Dr Kildare knows. Meanwhile the hospital wants a big fat donation from the patient’s wealthy parents. This movie is “ripped from the headlines” as the saying goes.
I am sitting in a hotel room watching Dr Kildare while our travel laundry finishes. What great film!
If I were a pediatrician or family doctor, I would be tempted to yell at the parents who are considering divorce. I would tell them to stop being selfish and accept the fact that they can’t walk away from their responsibilities as parents just because they “don’t love each other anymore.” Love is not something you fall in and out of. It’s not just a feeling, for God’s sake! I actually did yell at and burst out in tears and say those very words to our son when he announced that he and his wife were splitting up. Our grandkids are still paying the price for their parents’ foolishness, and we the grandparents are too, in more ways than one.
Alas, you summed it up very well with "love is not just a feeling." That's what the culture pushes us to believe with "love is love," feelings are more important than anything else, and so go for it. Responsibility is a boogeyman, but without responsibility love is just narcissism. You can't love if love is just a feeling, because it's just a butterfly that will fly away when the wind changes. The children know this and feel it - if you don't love daddy anymore, then one day you can also stop loving me.
Precisely!
My spouse has never “recovered” from his parent’s divorce right before 9th grade —and he’s 62. He freely gives away copies of the evidenced-based book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, to anyone who will read it.
Teachers frequently make and support these types of diagnosis.
Yes! In 1998 my son's 2nd grade teacher called me and said that my son has ADHD and should be on Ritalin. When I asked if she was a doctor, she replied that she had written a paper on it in graduate school. Can you imagine?! At the end of the year I removed him from the school. I later found out that she had called the parents of just about every boy in the class with the same recommendation. Absolute evil!
My wife is a retired teacher. This has been happening for a long time.
Y E S. A relative's toddler was in our care while her mom tried to get her life back on track after ending an abusive relationship, moving several times, etc, etc. She enrolled her in all day kindergarten at the earliest opportunity (2 weeks after she turned 5), and the child was diagnosed and on meds in less than 2 MONTHS. We never saw any behavioral issues whatsoever at our house. I'm a mother of 8, so I've seen a lot!
YES!!! Thank you for writing about this topic. Getting ADHD and the drugging of little boys fully immersed into our society was, imo, the lead-in to Big Trans. Both need to be rooted out.
Oh you aren’t kidding about DENIAL
Don’t
Even
Notice
I
Am
Lying
The best way out is education. Thanks for giving us the education now we gotta share it!
Crazy but anecdotally true. The very few kids I remember 50 yrs ago taking the "new" calming medications had mommies on Valium, liberated from the stress of dealing with conflict.
Where is/was the BALANCE touted and promised in modern work+life/relationships?
The family is the Marxist target, Government is driving the school bus, and the sinister backroom profiteers are setting the agenda.
Poor, poor teachers having to parent.
Poor, poor parents having teach.
Rich Big Pharma is calling the plays and "Coaches" & "Cheerleaders" are getting $omething for enabling and encouraging this madness.
Thank you for the continued advocacy of our children.
What a great article! When my parents divorced in 1971, I was just starting 6th grade and I was the only child of divorce in my elementary school. By the time I got to 9th grade, I had 1 friend with an intact family, the rest of us were fatherless teenagers. That legacy followed me and my siblings for the rest of our lives - which included both of my younger brothers being on Ritalin and both with a lifetime of substance abuse. I wish all parents considering divorce could read this. Thanks for taking the time to write this Adrian.
Thank you!
Spot on again! I was a teacher for 11 years - saw this a lot! Thank you again for saying what others won't dare to say.
My daughter has “made it” to 20 years and is about to be done due to more and more admin restrictions. What took you out after 11 years, just curious?
It was a small parochial school - if something ever prompted us to move, I wasn't interested in teaching in the public sector and I needed more on my resume to stay hirable. Something came up and I took it. Teaching is exhausting! Certain parents and administration make it unbearable.
Thanks - those are my daughter’s exact words. Admin difficulties and the fact that I’m not a politician finally helped me move out of healthcare.
It even affects children in intact homes. When my son was first starting school, most of his little friends' parents were divorced. When he would see my wife and I have even a mild disagreement or irritation with each other he would get very anxious and start asking if we were going to divorce. It saddened me that it was necessary to assure him that mommy and daddy have disagreement once in awhile but we still love each other and are not ever getting divorced.
Yes, so true! Such a tragedy for us all
Oh, that speaks to me. The more anxious of my three children used to ask "are you guys getting a divorce?" when our conversation got even a little animated. By which I mean excited, rather than angry. My hubby and I have been married over 30 years, and we even work together. We don't argue or fight, although we may express a difference of opinion.
It is amazing how sensitive to divorce the children were.
Thankfully they are now grown, and two married themselves, and remember it lightheartedly.
But it broke my heart at the time.
I've taught at University and over the years had some male students tell me they had ADHD and accommodations. I could often tell they were medicated because they seemed to have blunted affect, and little sense of humor. And I knew still others who sought the diagnosis and the meds so they could pull all-nighters and focus. What a mess.
We're becoming aware of child trafficking now, and seem to love to focus on the situation in Central America and abroad, but are we facing up to the domestic child abuse that comes along with divorce, accompanied by medicating the confused kids that are the fallout?
Excellent article Sir⚡️👍🏻
Thank you for your invaluable perspective, doctor! On an unrelated note, could you share your thoughts about current pediatric cancer treatment. What advice would you have for parents of a newly diagnosed child with stage 4 neuroblastoma?
Thank you for the kind comment. I’m truly sorry but I have no useful knowledge about the latest pediatric cancer treatments, I wish I could be of more help!
I understand. Given the state of American medicine, would you recommend parents consider bypassing “cut, burn, poison” altogether and go straight to avenues such as holistic medicine and/or rife machines? I have worked with children who sadly passed and this topic is of great personal interest to me. Thank you so much again for your wisdom!
I would not recommend it, but I would advise pursuing 2nd opinions and being unafraid to ask questions. Dr Prasad is an oncologist and has written about his field’s struggles a lot, for instance here:
https://vinayprasadmdmph.substack.com/p/the-tragedy-of-oncology
So go in with open eyes. But do go in. You can’t “cut” adhd or depression out of a brain, but often you can literally cut a tumor out!
Ah, that makes sense. Thank you so much again! I will check out that blog now!
Gabor Mate has written about the relationship between marital discord/family tension and the subsequent development of ADHD. Developmental and acute trauma is at the root of so many illnesses.
“Doctor … you mean she’s insane?” —her mother asks pleadingly of a senior physician.
Of course young woman in question is decidedly not, as the young intern Dr Kildare knows. Meanwhile the hospital wants a big fat donation from the patient’s wealthy parents. This movie is “ripped from the headlines” as the saying goes.
I am sitting in a hotel room watching Dr Kildare while our travel laundry finishes. What great film!