While I do agree with the premise of this article, I read the results of the Pew Study a different way. I saw financially independent not as wealthy, but as having independence and autonomy because they are not relying on mom and dad to pay their bills. I also read having a career that they enjoy as finding meaning in work, not necessarily striving for the corner office. I think that is what we really want for our children - for them to be fulfilled, independent adults. It took me a while to let my older child get off the "success track" that so many of his peers are locked onto. His trajectory looks nothing like we would have ever expected but: 1) It is his path 2) He is making mistakes but learning from them 3) He is happy. My younger child is now applying to colleges and where she goes is 100% up to her. She is looking for fit and a true free-speech environment, and somewhere that is not home.
One more thought on anxiety in children. Yes, pressure and social media play a huge part but I have also come to believe that the constant focus on what makes us different (ie identity) is driving some of this. We have lost a sense of community, what we have in common and what our shared goals are. Volunteering and/or getting a job could go a long way to helping some of these children. They would make money (financial independence), interact with other people face to face (less screen time), and learn how to put the needs of others before their own.
We need to emphasis the importance of children in our lives and in our children's lives and seeing them as blessings, not curses or burdens... I know growing up, there was heavy emphasis on waiting to have children if you have any until later so you can do everything you want because children will wreck your future plans to do those things instead of viewing them as unexpected blessings that, yes, your life changes but not necessarily for the worse.
Also, I feel like so many parents are so focused on getting their children into the best colleges and having to get that all important college degree instead of building skill sets that the children can lean on as adults. We are still trying to figure that out - but we are thinking about unconventional paths for their upcoming teen years (like learning how to fly/working towards pilot license, welding skills, carpentry, dog training, math tutoring, electrical work,tech certification programs they can do on their own (AWS, Kubernetes etc) and so on instead of focusing on high pressure college prep school with the only focus being college resume). We want the goal to be building a range of skills that they can use as adults to support themselves, and also to be able to raise families.
Sadly, many of the parents of such surveys are much too smart to be reading such articles on SubStack, if they even know about SubStack's writers. At 82 with many proud accomplishments in life, my best is with my children who are doing OK as are the grands. They will never be rich in money terms but will be happy. And happy without any help from pHarma. I do regret that I was always working a bit too much when the children were young but do take solace that they have done well despite my neglect. OTOH, they were never pushed into anything; well maybe a bit of forced realism at times.
“ At 82 with many proud accomplishments in life, my best is with my children”
Congratulations! All the older, wiser people I’ve ever met say the same. If you’re a 20 or 30 something, it’s crazy to base your life decisions on the advice of fellow 30 somethings, they don’t know what’s gonna pay off in the end, you should listen to the 80 year olds, they know what mattered most!
According to economist Bryan Caplan, the research shows conclusively that good-enough parents have little effect on their children as far as success goes. Kids are going to be about as smart and about as ambitious and about as conscientious as their parents---even twins raised apart.
That is certainly the case with us. We are two attorneys who aren't relentlessly ambitious but we did go out of our way to give our daughter and son opportunities and advantages we didn't have. Almost all of our peers had super-accomplished kids who went on to become doctors and lawyers, etc.
Well, our kids didn't get awards and accolades, in fact our daughter pretty much ignored high school and floated through college, getting a useless degree in Psychology and having no plans for after graduation (our son listened to his peers and got an Accounting degree because he is pretty interested in making money).
As for our daughter, after two years of just getting by, working full-time as a server in a restaurant, life shook her out of her complacency and she took a clerical job which led to a job as a head-hunter and she's now earning a good salary. The biggest influence we probably had was that she was raised in a stable home by two parents who really love each other and our kids. She never wanted to date shallow guys and she married a solid man who is crazy about her.
We don't have anything to brag to our peers about as far as our kids going to Ivy league schools or being well on their way to becoming Masters of the Universe, but the kids know that having close connections to family and friends, and making a good marriage, are the most important goals in life. It's as simple as that.
I vividly remember telling my very smart, over-achieving daughter that it was ok to get a "B", choose good friends and maybe, just maybe, she might be happier having a husband and precious kiddos than pursuing doctorate studies. By God's grace, she met a handsome doctor and has three of the most adorable children ever. She learned. Sometimes, God grows us amongst thorns.
Fantastic points. I wonder if you might consider writing a similar, practical article on how parents can reduce pressure on themselves, too. As someone who has always been a "high achiever" and of course cares very deeply about my child's development, I often find myself trying to meet competing standards for parenting. Imagine a venn diagram of 15 to 20 circles and trying to cram as many of your parenting choices into the tiny center that all of these parenting perspectives/religious views/research agree on while also living in the real world. It's exhausting, and not because I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses. So many of these things are made to feel like baseline requirements if you want to give your kid a physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy start. I'm not referring to things like classes or drills in hopes of academic or financial success. It is more the laundry list of things like giving kids freedom to explore but also preserving their innocence/protecting them from physical dangers (e.g. being run over by a car) and predators; avoiding endocrine disruptors (in toys, food, and hygiene/cleaning products); avoiding screen time while also acknowledging that they will eventually need to be technologically literate; spending time with them but also making sure they have time for independent play; building strong attachment (so potentially foregoing sleep training because what if studies do end up showing it damages children psychologically? But also not bed sharing because that is a known physical danger to the child). Individually, each item is probably a great idea. The problem is that the list is endless, there are only 24 hours in a day, and not everyone can afford to outsource the minutiae. To be quite honest, the cacaphony of standards imposed on parents sometimes feels intentionally designed to make us more stressed, more compliant, and less likely to have multiple children/focus on actually enjoying our children.
So what, then, is the solution? As a pediatrician and parent, where do you draw the line to preserve your own sanity from the onslaught of these competing voices? I'd love to hear your perspective on where moderation can and should come into play for parents (even with respect to our own adopted standards), or the trade-offs that you find worthwhile when you can't do everything all of the time. Where do you bend or break your own rules on occasion? If we are our children's best teachers, how do we model giving ourselves grace while still trying to live up to these best practices overall?
Great comment! I feel 100% same. What’s the proper balance? Where do I push? What do I ignore and accept as personality or development? Sometimes I feel that the more parenting/child development books I read, the more wrapped up I become in what’s “right”. Sometimes I have to just let it be.
Given the extreme financial insecurity and the consequences of failure it's hardly astonishing the parents prioritize those sorts of concerns for their kids-- and yes, that can be overdone to point of making one's kids neurotic about achievement. But there is such a thin gas the normal hierarchy of needs and food and shelter are pretty high up on that list. No one wants their kid to end up a welfare case-- let alone homeless.
As a mother of three school-age boys I’m always on the lookout for advice from parents more wise than myself. I want them to be happy. But I understand satisfaction and happiness are not the same thing. I do believe relationships should be prioritized. Socialization with real people should be prioritized. I have been astonished at the difference in focus between European schools and American schools. I have one son in a Europa school that focuses on social curriculum and another son in an American school that focuses on numeracy and literacy but largely lacks social curriculum, play, singing, etc. While I don’t agree with all tenants of European school philosophy, I do very much value and importance placed on socialization.  One son spent an entire week on a farm and working with animals, baking bread, picking and cooking vegetables. The other son had one highly monitored field trip to a museum for a few hours. 
Jan 30, 2023·edited Jan 30, 2023Liked by Adrian Gaty
Kids ain’t kids for very long. And any kid under my care is gonna BE one if I have anything to do with it. Of course I have 4 grands, and all 4 love hanging with Gramps bc I am the biggest child. I am grateful that my parents allowed me the freedom to live as unencumbered as possible despite myelomeningocele and the many challenges it brought. A wise pediatric neurologist told my parents, “whatever he can do, let him.” They stayed true to that and I have had a very rich life. I turn 58 tomorrow. Like many of the similarly anxious children I read about in your article, I had some hurdles to overcome and unsurprisingly I overcompensated, until I finally realized I’ve done my best. And I have. Give God that glory! I’m at a point in life to where now I get to pay it forward, and I have enough “success, things, and notoriety“ so that now I get to pay it forward and more and enjoy my family. In having “enough” I am provided with more than I could ever dream.
I told my daughter, you will be a mother one day, you need to learn how to take care of babies, but she is not into it. She wants to watch cats videos on youtube as much as possible and thinks cats are cuter than babies
While I do agree with the premise of this article, I read the results of the Pew Study a different way. I saw financially independent not as wealthy, but as having independence and autonomy because they are not relying on mom and dad to pay their bills. I also read having a career that they enjoy as finding meaning in work, not necessarily striving for the corner office. I think that is what we really want for our children - for them to be fulfilled, independent adults. It took me a while to let my older child get off the "success track" that so many of his peers are locked onto. His trajectory looks nothing like we would have ever expected but: 1) It is his path 2) He is making mistakes but learning from them 3) He is happy. My younger child is now applying to colleges and where she goes is 100% up to her. She is looking for fit and a true free-speech environment, and somewhere that is not home.
One more thought on anxiety in children. Yes, pressure and social media play a huge part but I have also come to believe that the constant focus on what makes us different (ie identity) is driving some of this. We have lost a sense of community, what we have in common and what our shared goals are. Volunteering and/or getting a job could go a long way to helping some of these children. They would make money (financial independence), interact with other people face to face (less screen time), and learn how to put the needs of others before their own.
They are lucky to have you! But don’t feel bad about pressuring them to get you some cute grandchildren some day : )
I couldn’t agree more with your final point about community/identity, I hope to address that at length soon!
We need to emphasis the importance of children in our lives and in our children's lives and seeing them as blessings, not curses or burdens... I know growing up, there was heavy emphasis on waiting to have children if you have any until later so you can do everything you want because children will wreck your future plans to do those things instead of viewing them as unexpected blessings that, yes, your life changes but not necessarily for the worse.
Also, I feel like so many parents are so focused on getting their children into the best colleges and having to get that all important college degree instead of building skill sets that the children can lean on as adults. We are still trying to figure that out - but we are thinking about unconventional paths for their upcoming teen years (like learning how to fly/working towards pilot license, welding skills, carpentry, dog training, math tutoring, electrical work,tech certification programs they can do on their own (AWS, Kubernetes etc) and so on instead of focusing on high pressure college prep school with the only focus being college resume). We want the goal to be building a range of skills that they can use as adults to support themselves, and also to be able to raise families.
Sadly, many of the parents of such surveys are much too smart to be reading such articles on SubStack, if they even know about SubStack's writers. At 82 with many proud accomplishments in life, my best is with my children who are doing OK as are the grands. They will never be rich in money terms but will be happy. And happy without any help from pHarma. I do regret that I was always working a bit too much when the children were young but do take solace that they have done well despite my neglect. OTOH, they were never pushed into anything; well maybe a bit of forced realism at times.
“ At 82 with many proud accomplishments in life, my best is with my children”
Congratulations! All the older, wiser people I’ve ever met say the same. If you’re a 20 or 30 something, it’s crazy to base your life decisions on the advice of fellow 30 somethings, they don’t know what’s gonna pay off in the end, you should listen to the 80 year olds, they know what mattered most!
According to economist Bryan Caplan, the research shows conclusively that good-enough parents have little effect on their children as far as success goes. Kids are going to be about as smart and about as ambitious and about as conscientious as their parents---even twins raised apart.
That is certainly the case with us. We are two attorneys who aren't relentlessly ambitious but we did go out of our way to give our daughter and son opportunities and advantages we didn't have. Almost all of our peers had super-accomplished kids who went on to become doctors and lawyers, etc.
Well, our kids didn't get awards and accolades, in fact our daughter pretty much ignored high school and floated through college, getting a useless degree in Psychology and having no plans for after graduation (our son listened to his peers and got an Accounting degree because he is pretty interested in making money).
As for our daughter, after two years of just getting by, working full-time as a server in a restaurant, life shook her out of her complacency and she took a clerical job which led to a job as a head-hunter and she's now earning a good salary. The biggest influence we probably had was that she was raised in a stable home by two parents who really love each other and our kids. She never wanted to date shallow guys and she married a solid man who is crazy about her.
We don't have anything to brag to our peers about as far as our kids going to Ivy league schools or being well on their way to becoming Masters of the Universe, but the kids know that having close connections to family and friends, and making a good marriage, are the most important goals in life. It's as simple as that.
“The biggest influence we probably had was that she was raised in a stable home by two parents who really love each other and our kids.”
I only hope we can have an influence like that on ours! Bless y’all!
I vividly remember telling my very smart, over-achieving daughter that it was ok to get a "B", choose good friends and maybe, just maybe, she might be happier having a husband and precious kiddos than pursuing doctorate studies. By God's grace, she met a handsome doctor and has three of the most adorable children ever. She learned. Sometimes, God grows us amongst thorns.
Dr Gaty,
Fantastic points. I wonder if you might consider writing a similar, practical article on how parents can reduce pressure on themselves, too. As someone who has always been a "high achiever" and of course cares very deeply about my child's development, I often find myself trying to meet competing standards for parenting. Imagine a venn diagram of 15 to 20 circles and trying to cram as many of your parenting choices into the tiny center that all of these parenting perspectives/religious views/research agree on while also living in the real world. It's exhausting, and not because I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses. So many of these things are made to feel like baseline requirements if you want to give your kid a physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy start. I'm not referring to things like classes or drills in hopes of academic or financial success. It is more the laundry list of things like giving kids freedom to explore but also preserving their innocence/protecting them from physical dangers (e.g. being run over by a car) and predators; avoiding endocrine disruptors (in toys, food, and hygiene/cleaning products); avoiding screen time while also acknowledging that they will eventually need to be technologically literate; spending time with them but also making sure they have time for independent play; building strong attachment (so potentially foregoing sleep training because what if studies do end up showing it damages children psychologically? But also not bed sharing because that is a known physical danger to the child). Individually, each item is probably a great idea. The problem is that the list is endless, there are only 24 hours in a day, and not everyone can afford to outsource the minutiae. To be quite honest, the cacaphony of standards imposed on parents sometimes feels intentionally designed to make us more stressed, more compliant, and less likely to have multiple children/focus on actually enjoying our children.
So what, then, is the solution? As a pediatrician and parent, where do you draw the line to preserve your own sanity from the onslaught of these competing voices? I'd love to hear your perspective on where moderation can and should come into play for parents (even with respect to our own adopted standards), or the trade-offs that you find worthwhile when you can't do everything all of the time. Where do you bend or break your own rules on occasion? If we are our children's best teachers, how do we model giving ourselves grace while still trying to live up to these best practices overall?
I feel you! I was just kinda working on something related, will write more on it too later, thank you so much for the great comment!
Great comment! I feel 100% same. What’s the proper balance? Where do I push? What do I ignore and accept as personality or development? Sometimes I feel that the more parenting/child development books I read, the more wrapped up I become in what’s “right”. Sometimes I have to just let it be.
Given the extreme financial insecurity and the consequences of failure it's hardly astonishing the parents prioritize those sorts of concerns for their kids-- and yes, that can be overdone to point of making one's kids neurotic about achievement. But there is such a thin gas the normal hierarchy of needs and food and shelter are pretty high up on that list. No one wants their kid to end up a welfare case-- let alone homeless.
As a mother of three school-age boys I’m always on the lookout for advice from parents more wise than myself. I want them to be happy. But I understand satisfaction and happiness are not the same thing. I do believe relationships should be prioritized. Socialization with real people should be prioritized. I have been astonished at the difference in focus between European schools and American schools. I have one son in a Europa school that focuses on social curriculum and another son in an American school that focuses on numeracy and literacy but largely lacks social curriculum, play, singing, etc. While I don’t agree with all tenants of European school philosophy, I do very much value and importance placed on socialization.  One son spent an entire week on a farm and working with animals, baking bread, picking and cooking vegetables. The other son had one highly monitored field trip to a museum for a few hours. 
Kids ain’t kids for very long. And any kid under my care is gonna BE one if I have anything to do with it. Of course I have 4 grands, and all 4 love hanging with Gramps bc I am the biggest child. I am grateful that my parents allowed me the freedom to live as unencumbered as possible despite myelomeningocele and the many challenges it brought. A wise pediatric neurologist told my parents, “whatever he can do, let him.” They stayed true to that and I have had a very rich life. I turn 58 tomorrow. Like many of the similarly anxious children I read about in your article, I had some hurdles to overcome and unsurprisingly I overcompensated, until I finally realized I’ve done my best. And I have. Give God that glory! I’m at a point in life to where now I get to pay it forward, and I have enough “success, things, and notoriety“ so that now I get to pay it forward and more and enjoy my family. In having “enough” I am provided with more than I could ever dream.
Great stuff man, thank you. 
I told my daughter, you will be a mother one day, you need to learn how to take care of babies, but she is not into it. She wants to watch cats videos on youtube as much as possible and thinks cats are cuter than babies
Thank you and God bless you!